I've been pondering again. I'm in that sort of mood this evening. I'm in need of an outlet for the emotions I feel but can't find a way of expressing. In fact I have no idea what the emotions are that are churning around inside me. It's a huge combination of frustration with things unachieved, of the great happiness at the times I've had this week with friends and with Gaz, at not being able to find the words for a friend in Vermont going through a difficult patch and who's family had bad news this week, of a friend (who was once significantly more than that) who is about to re-marry and whom I somehow feel is unhappy, of a friend also waiting to know if she is to be made redundant, of a friend who's upset by the circumstances of a patient and the unpleasantness of people, of friends in turmoil, of a friend who is not happy. And so the list goes on.
I am conscious of the fact that I have absolutely no reason personally to be anything other than exceptionally happy with my life. So why do I feel as I do? A rhetorical question, of course but one that I ask myself nonetheless.
So I am taking advantage of the fact that I live in a relatively isolated detached house with very thick walls and with not much time to go before midnight am searching for that piece of music that might give my emotions relief and am giving thanks for the fact that I have very good and generous hi-fi speakers. At the moment I'm playing Dame Janet Baker singing Elgar's Sea Pictures - an amazing, full and mellow voice singing songs of almost unparalleled emotion outside opera. When the silence comes I know that my head will hold the music for what will seem like an age. It becomes like a drug and it needs feeding in a way I find impossible to explain.
I said to a friend tonight that I envied her ability to play an instrument and discovered that she feels music as a deep emotion and not just an exercise is tonal creation. There is so much to discover. So much to explore. So much to feel. So much to experience. And I thought I'd passed that stage.
Why, I wonder, do I feel that I have to explain that I haven't been drinking - unless a glass of red with dinner counts. In fact I'm in one of my 'don't feel like it' phases which may also go some way to explaining things.
Don't worry, I'll be OK in the morning.